As Shawn Mendes and Camilo Cabello serenade each other in their song, “Senorita” they are highlighting the importance of “matching” your partner – knowing what they may like and matching it. For instance, this can be in words, body language or facial expression. – And In their case to be alluring and attentive in meeting the request of speaking the word, “Senorita” probably in his sexy way! This shows a sense of intimacy in the relationship.
Can you remember the early part of your relationship? Where presumably the dishes and paying bills were way down on the priorities – compared to being with each other. Where wanting to know more about the other person, wanting to be generous and kind, and being intimate were what made you feel alive. So much so, that you couldn’t wait to see them again!?
Couples that prosper know how to listen to the other, and how to convey that they really understand where the other person is coming from.
Contrast this with couples who present in distress for relationship counselling. Often the couple is focussed on feelings of resentment, describing how they feel short changed, invisible or a low priority to their partner. Sometimes they are focussed on how they fight and who’s right.
They often say the other person doesn’t listen, that they cut them off mid-sentence. That the other person agrees to make changes which are not followed through. They agree with me, when I suggest that the relationship has got to the point where they may not even need the other person to be present to have an argument. This is as they already know what the other person is going to say.
It’s important in longer term relationships to keep your relationship alive.
Four tips to either revive or keep your relationship alive (and increase intimacy)!
- Firstly, put aside time where you can be together without distraction, and focus on just being together. Sharing your thoughts and being actively interested in the other is a priority. Send messages about intimacy to each other during the day.
- If all the “to do’s” are getting in the way of being intimate with each other – demarcate some time where you agree you won’t talk about chores, kids, work, whatever. I often suggest to have some time in the day or evening that is just for connecting together. For example, a cuppa on the veranda or a walk around the block with all to do’s off the agenda. Some time that says, “you are important to me”. (Children can learn that this is your time too).
- Take turns initiating intimacy. Intimacy is made up of emotional, physical and sexual intimacy and attention to all three can be just as important, for the other types of intimacy to exist. Most people say that knowing that the other person is “into them” is alluring and rebuilds a spark and intimacy.
- Finally, remember how to be playful and fun with each other. Fun and playful times can bring back the good mood you are seeking – invoking a sense of pleasure. Knowing that nothing is too serious being the goal.
If you would like to learn more about intimacy in your relationship, please feel free to contact us.